Talk About and Encourage End-of-Life Decision Making

Talking is the single most important thing that family and friends can do to prepare for the death of someone they love. While difficult, the end of life can be amazingly rich. Talking about this time makes a rich ending more likely. Money may be another hard subject to talk about, but it also may be one of the subjects that most worries both you and your loved one.

One way to break down the barriers to a conversation about money is to examine your own concerns and worries and talk about those with your loved one. Also, look for events and openings that can give you a way to start the conversation. Conversation triggers might be:

• Newspaper articles
• Television shows
• Magazine articles and books
• Family occasions
• Financial matters

For example, maybe you've just completed your taxes. You might ask your loved one if he or she has ever been concerned about making sure bills are paid. Sadly, there are regular news stories about people incapacitated by accident or illness whose family members are fighting over their care. This is a natural opening to ask what your loved one's wishes would be in those circumstances and how you want to be able to make sure their wishes are met.

Family emotions and the desire to maintain traditional roles (parent-child, big brother-little brother) can sometimes put a damper on conversations. If you are a family member and seem unable to get a financial talk started, consider asking an objective third party to lead the conversation, such as a lawyer, faith leader, or hospice social worker. This can free your loved one to talk more comfortably and openly. Also, don't accept the claim that "Everything has been taken care of" unless you have seen details of what that means. Financial matters are complex and your loved one's decisions may have consequences they are not aware of. Naming someone other than a spouse to inherit ownership of a family home, for example, can result in unexpected and expensive taxes.

What information do you want to know—and have your loved one know—about his or her financial situation? Probably many things:

• What financial assets does your loved one have?
• Where are his or her legal documents?
• Is there enough money to ensure medical care and the family or spouse's ongoing needs?
• Where are insurance benefit papers kept?
• Are there special goals he or she wants to achieve before or after death that require money?
• Has your loved one chosen someone to handle money matters if he or she cannot?
• What medical care does your loved one want to receive if he or she can't communicate?
• Has he or she written a will stating how money and possessions are to be distributed after death?

There are several information worksheets and documents on this web site that can help you get answers to these questions and more. As you help your loved one complete these worksheets—or find someone else to help them complete them—be sure to stay informed and make copies of worksheets and documents for yourself, other family caregivers, and other possible heirs.